Yes, I’m in Recovery
It’s a hard thing to admit online. Recovering from something that took up a lot of my time, cost me relationships, and took quite a toll on my happiness.
That deadly vice
People-pleasing.
Doing things for the sake of keeping the peace with those around me.
A simple and well-intentioned premise, with some shockingly unseen consequences to a growing boy
As a recovering people-pleaser, the word no used to frighten me—the animosity it might create, the peace it might disturb.
“I’ll just agree with whatever options I have,” I used to think. The less I go against the stream, the fewer issues I’ll have with people and the world, was my thesis.
You can see where this is going.
The problem with never saying no or offering up any counter-alternative is simple: you end up doing whatever options are presented to you without thinking for yourself.
For low-stakes, infrequent decisions, this can be great.
“What dinner do you want? Do you want to walk tomorrow morning? What song should we listen to?”
Low effort, low consequence, less brainpower.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my life being simple.
The people closest to me know this very well.
At face value, saying yes all the time should make your life simpler.
Unfortunately, it’s the contrary.
The counterintuitive truth about saying no is that it makes your life a lot better—like a great investment.
I’ve found the more I say no (to things I don’t want to do), the greater the personal returns.
Even though you didn’t ask, let me impart this ‘no’ wisdom to you:
There aren’t many things that have given me more back personally than saying no to the things I don’t, and didn’t ever, want to do.
Here are 4 reasons why I love saying no and how it has simplified my life:
1. Saving Endless Amounts of Time
“Where should we go after?”
This is the philosophical question pondered by many ravers, partiers, and people having fun on a night out, usually early in the early hours of the next morning.
In my early days on the scene, I would usually go with the highest bidder in this scenario—whoever was willing to accommodate a large group of people at their place for the following hours.
With the good vibes of the night diminishing by the minute, you often end up somewhere undesirable, surrounded by unsavory characters you’d rather not be with.
I’ve had a few of these nights, and despite losing a few extra hours each time, they taught me a valuable lesson in visualizing the outcome of a decision.
Those late-night decisions determine your next few hours—and even your next day.
I’ve always used a simple framework:
- What are the two (or multiple) options I can pick from in this scenario?
- What is the likely outcome of each? (Where will we go, what are we trying to do, will it be worth the time and effort?)
- What will be the best decision for tomorrow?
Maybe it was my brain fully developing when I hit 25 (I don’t think mine ever fully got there), but this framework has saved me time and time again.
Visualizing outcomes has realistically given me back over 500 hours collectively over my lifetime.
2. Improved Mental Capacity
Like everything in life, less tends to be more. When you’re able to say no to more things you don’t want to do, you do two things simultaneously:
- Reduce the stress associated with time and resources you’d otherwise lose
- Avoid burnout from stretching yourself too thin
When I lived back in Melbourne, I often fell into the temptation of trying to fill every night with some kind of activity—friends, sports, going out.
If the night was free, I wanted to fill it with something.
This, in theory, sounds good, but as someone who derives a lot of energy from alone time, reflecting, and recharging, it wasn’t sustainable.
I still enjoy many of those things, but now I know when I need to take a night for myself to recharge.
I don’t feel any pressure to do otherwise because I know that I’ll be at my best when I’m with others.
It took me a long time to learn and master, but now I’ve implemented it in my solo travels, work, and life in general.
3. Stronger Personal Boundaries
As you move through life, you realize you can do whatever you like with your days (within reason).
As a conscious being, you’re able to make decisions and live with the consequences—good or bad.
Personal boundaries are the guardrails you put up for your friends and family, signaling what you’re willing to do.
By not saying a blanket ‘yes’ to everyone’s requests, you tell people what you like and what you don’t.
Being upfront about your limits fosters mutual respect, reduces misunderstandings, and avoids overextending yourself.
This allows you to maintain control over your commitments and ensures that your relationships are built on trust and respect rather than obligation.
By setting boundaries, people value your time more, knowing you don’t give it away freely.
4. Improved Self-Confidence
In my late teens and early twenties, I had very low self-confidence, though I’d never have admitted it.
A lot of my self-worth was tied to what others thought of me. That’s why I spent so many of my younger years saying yes to everything.
As I matured, my ability to choose my own path and make decisions that positively impacted my future allowed my self-confidence to grow.
I now get a lot of personal fulfilment from having control over my life and its outcomes.
Saying no to things I wasn’t interested in doing allowed me to say yes to things that gave me energy and made me happy.
For me, this was one of the greatest realizations of my life. By saying yes to one thing, you’re actually saying no to other options.
The same is true of the opposite: by saying no, you open yourself up to something better suited to your happiness down the line.
5 Easy Ways to Start Saying No in Your Life:
- Get Clear on Your Priorities: Before saying yes to anything, ask yourself if it aligns with your goals and values. If it doesn’t, don’t hesitate to turn it down.
- Start Small: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations, like declining social invitations or minor requests. As you become more comfortable, it will be easier to say no in bigger scenarios.
- Be Polite but Firm: You don’t need to give long explanations. A simple, “I appreciate the offer, but I’m going to pass this time,” is enough to decline gracefully.
- Remember the Long-Term Benefits: Saying no now can lead to better opportunities later. Focus on the long-term benefits to make the decision easier.
- Take Time to Respond: If you’re unsure, ask for time to think about it. This gives you space to evaluate whether the opportunity fits your goals, making it easier to say no if it doesn’t.
I don’t want to sound like a ‘no’ aficionado, but I truly can’t understate how much this mindset has given me back.
The hours, the improved relationships, and the extra happiness are immeasurable.
Maturing is realizing you don’t owe the world or anyone anything (as brutal as that sounds).
You’re allowed to be selfish and do things that only benefit yourself. By saying yes, you’re limiting other outcomes.
By saying no, you’re opening up the realm of possibilities to something more aligned with you.
A Quick Note on Spontaneity
Being spontaneous in life is an amazing part of what makes us human. If you’re thinking, “This guy just wants me to live like a robot!”—not at all.
Improving your ‘no’ muscle is about enhancing your decision-making skills for any choice, even spontaneous ones. Being able to assess situations quickly helps you gauge whether the outcome will be positive—planned or not.
LB
Lucas's Blog 
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